A biracial writer, podcaster, and family man.
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How long have I stumbled in the dark?
Did I lose you or did you lose me?
I discovered how to disembark.
Don’t remember what I came to see.

Suddenly, a small glimmer of light.
My dimmed eyes telling me sophistry.
How can the way be something so slight,
When darkness became our history?

Regardless, I set my way forward.
Bright, growing from pinprick to sunlight.
Misbelieving it is straightforward.
So long I had been stuck at midnight.

I can see, the beauty I possess,
Was completely lost back in the dark. …

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Episode 4: Trapped, Confession, Uncivilized Letter 2

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There is a space within the void between universes where all lost things can be found. There we find “The Lost Letters”.

To Anybody!

I don’t know if it’s day or night. I don’t know how long I’ve been like this. It feels like years. I built for myself this, well for lack of a better term, office. I built it out of the darkness I was in.

I was in an accident. I remember riding my bike. I remember making that fatal mistake, and then nothingness. It’s hard to remember much from the nothingness before this. I just recall clawing my way into consciousness. It was a violent and strenuous action. I do not know if I’m dead or alive. …

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Episode 3: The Radio Cabinet, Space and Time Letter 2, An Incredibly Unnecessary Journey

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There is a space within the void between universes where all lost things can be found. There we find “The Lost Letters”.

Dear Diary,

As you will recall, I helped my mother clean out my Grandmother’s attic. Aside from the heat, it wasn’t as bad as I was expecting. My mom didn’t bring up the breakup, and mostly our conversation was pleasant. We did get a bit emotional when we found pictures or other sentimental items. I miss my grandmother. She’s gone far too soon. She will miss all the important events of my life. My graduation, my wedding, my children. …

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Look I don’t care if you voted for him once or twice. I don’t care if you are upset that he lost, he did lose fair and square. I know why you did. I know that you were scared. I know that you were manipulated, and you are probably way too proud to ever admit it. That’s fine. You don’t have to admit it.

I will never understand what you saw in him. You will never understand why I hated him so much. I barely understand it myself. I know you don’t understand the overwhelming joy that the majority of the country feels today. I know it’s not going to be okay with you for a little while, maybe not ever. …

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Episode 2: Dreamy, The Reality Gate, A Light Darkened

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There is a space within the void between universes where all lost things can be found. There we find “The Lost Letters”.


Hey Asshole!

Yeah, you! I seriously don’t know why you keep making us do all of these horrible things to you! Look, I get it. After all, I am you, at least a part of you. I know what we’ve been through. I know it’s incredibly difficult to let people in. We’ve been burned more than anyone else we know, but these “everybody hates me” dreams have got to stop! …

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Episode 1: Dear Kristi, Space and Time: Letter 1, Uncivilized: Letter 1

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There is a space within the void between universes where all lost things can be found. There we find “The Lost Letters”.

Dear Kristi,
I think on the other side you probably have better things to do than to check what people are saying on facebook about you, or I guess to you, but this is my way of coping I guess. I miss you, friend. You meant so much to Cathy and me. You introduced us, after all. You listened to me whine and complain about little things, and even gave me advice on how to be better. Thank you for that. Thank you for letting me distract you by just walking into your office. You were such a good friend to me. I have never had death come this close to me. I don’t really know how to deal with you going so early. I guess the good part is you now know what the other side is like. Put in a good word for us over there ok? I was really looking forward to seeing you in a few weeks. I should have called more. I’m glad you aren’t suffering any more, though.
What’s the coffee and beer like there in heaven? Please tell me there is beer in heaven! I miss you. You are so much more than a friend to us, you are a sister. I’ll see you soon, hopefully not too soon, though. Whenever that is, let’s have a beer or coffee….You are so missed. There are so many times that I wish I could just talk to you and listen to your wisdom. We were all lucky to have you in our lives….
Hey! Thank you so much for all you have done for me. I miss you a lot.
We have some fantastic news! CATHY IS PREGNANT!!!! Thank you so much for encouraging both of us. You are the reason we are a family. Maybe if it’s a girl she should have the middle name Kristi…
It’s me again. Things didn’t work out with the pregnancies. I… I don’t want to talk about that now.
Me, again. Ok, I need your help right now. I really wish you were still around. You gave me the best advice, and were honest with me; whether I wanted you to be or not. I have this job prospect in Colorado that is very interested in me. I’m not sure if I just want to pick up and leave, or try to see this whole mess through here without the firm knowledge that I’ll even have a job in July. I know it’s way too early to tell if I have even got the job or not, but this is a problem that is really consuming me at the moment. What do you think?
Hey! It’s been a while since I last wrote in this letter. I mean it’s been 6 years after all. A lot has happened in that time. I did take that job in Colorado. That was a really rough time in our lives. We didn’t deal well with the pregnancy losses. Okay, I didn’t deal well with the miscarriages. It was the beginning of a big transition for me. A transition that took 6 years. God, I don’t even believe there is an afterlife anymore, so in essence I’m writing to so many dispersed cells and energy. I guess I should back up. They took advantage of me in Colorado, and I wasn’t dealing well with grief. We were only there for a little over a year. Through a conversation I had with a feeling of… well, for lack of a better word, you; I took a job in Cleveland. Your hometown! We got pregnant again. We had a son! You would love him! I got fired, again. This time for being honest about my mental health. The entire time I could hear you that one time telling me, you are attracted to damaged businesses. I changed my career. I’m much happier now, but It took me a long time to get here. I had some extremely self destructive coping mechanisms that made me not a great person. It’s been close to 10 years since we lost you, yet I still imagine you like you were before that. I know, and you did too, if you were alive you’d be such a different person. I’m a different person. I wish you got to know me now. I feel so different than I did before. I was hiding so much of myself from people. I don’t feel like I’m doing that anymore. Needless to say, I miss you. We miss you. Maybe there is an afterlife, maybe not. Regardless, I’ll say… See you soon! …

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To those who calmed my fears,
Fare thee well, Fare thee well.
To those who wiped my tears,
Fare thee well, Fare thee well.

To my dear closest friends,
Fare thee well, Fare thee well.
Who were with to my ends,
Fare thee well, Fare thee well.

You shall be ever missed,
Though hate to let you go.
Our fates must untwist,
Tis the end you must know.

You were a part of me,
Fare thee well, Fare thee well.
Though really shouldn’t be,
Fare thee well, Fare thee well.

You were but these stories,
Fare thee well, Fare thee well.
My wished allegories,
Fare thee well, Fare thee well. …

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My theology has lead to hauntology,
A mix of deconstruction and reconstruction.
So bogged down in the suction I lose all function.
My apology for a wrong cosmology.

My head so full of ghosts that search for missing hosts.
I no longer find that I am one of their kind.
I was confined until I left that world behind.
Shattering here once all the toasts turned into boasts.

The image becomes clear, you were never here.
This is all we are, we can’t wipe clear the scar.
How so bizarre that we strove to be your memoir.
We tried very hard to hear the lost puppeteer.

We too, have become the haunted and unwanted.
Finding pieces of ourselves put upon shelves.
Search delves deeper, to be only ourselves.
No longer daunted by the fear that was flaunted.

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Were you all not entertained?
Watching as I danced, and fell?
Now that I’m not the constrained,
The applause would no longer swell.

A gilded cage with pretty walls
With a two-way, stained looking glass,
Ample empty space and grand halls,
Where many gathered en masse.

We sang and danced with great passion,
For an uncaring curator.
A day’s work for a day’s ration,
lest we earn the title, traitor.

Yet, if we step outside the zoo,
Are pitied by our audience.
Not to hear a fond adieu.
We pay an unmeaning offense

If we leave we are replaced,
By the monsters that they believed
Our souls and actions were based,
Despite the freedom achieved. …

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The itch in my brain sits behind my eyes.
Searching for personal value has left me numb.
I wish I could believe all my own lies.
The pain just continues to refuse to succumb.

I search for any little value my life may add.
Often I can only see the pain I have caused.
How can one measure worth without being driven mad?
Can we take stock if our counters can’t be paused?

My heart breaks constantly for all that I’ve done.
I wish I could rewind to interrupt myself.
How could I enjoy being the one to be repugn? …

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