Yeah, you! I seriously don’t know why you keep making us do all of these horrible things to you! Look, I get it. After all, I am you, at least a part of you. I know what we’ve been through. I know it’s incredibly difficult to let people in. We’ve been burned more than anyone else we know, but these “everybody hates me” dreams have got to stop! I’ve been chatting with the usual cast from your dreams, and bud, we can’t anymore with this.
It’s like night after night the same damn story. We NEED variety! Trust us, since we are all just parts of your own psyche, we know a thing or two about you.
We don’t hate you. Well, yes, we are a bit sick of your self deprecating bullshit; but that doesn’t mean we hate you. We want you to pull your shit together, man. Do it for us. At least do it for that one person you keep obsessing over. You don’t think we noticed? Come on, they are in every single show, it’s like just put yourself out there! People don’t hate you. They pity you. They imagine horrible things that are going on in your dark macabre brain. That’s because you don’t let anyone in. If they got the chance they’d see you are just as awkward and “normal” as the rest of them.
I’m sorry for being so forceful, but as the embodiment of your anxieties and traumas, I know that nothing else will get through to you. You don’t need these big dramatic events to change your life. That only causes more of me. I’m full, man. I can’t anymore. I’m about to explode. I need to get into shape, and the only way to do that is for you to get your ducks in a row. I can’t tell you how, that’s not my job. Get a therapist, call a doctor, just get some help. They aren’t out to get you, that as a matter of fact, is my job.
The only person whose judgement that matters on this is you. As a part of you, me and all the other cast members, want you to know we are rooting for you. This is probably the only way for us to actually get some new scripts up here. For our sakes, for your sakes, just make the damn call. We want you to. Again, we don’t hate you. We are you. We want the best for you. Even me, your anxieties and tramas.
Anxieties and Traumas Dream Cast
The Reality Gate
This is Doctor Elizabeth Steinem… At least on this attempt the probe wasn’t immediately destroyed at the event horizon of the gate. Theoretically the gate should have worked on the very first attempt! Such is theoretical research and development…
… If you somehow missed the attempt logs for the last four hundred and thirty-one attempts, this is the Reality Gate Project. A top secret… Why the money men insist I say this EVERY TIME I’ll never know… A TOP SECRET R & D project funded by the… static buzz…
(yells off to the side)
WHat?! No! Not now! I have to file the report for the last attempt! Turn off the machine!…
Where was I? I apologize, it appears the idiom about finding good help these days is quite true. The Reality Gate Project is an R & D project that Marylinn Franklin and I assembled in 2015. In theory, the gate can open into other Realities. It bridges the gap between universes. Early testing proved quite promising. We discovered foriegn particles that didn’t resonate with the same frequency that our universe does. We then found the wormholes that these particles used to pop between our reality and theirs. The Reality Gate uses the same principles of these wormholes to expand the opening to a more user friendly size. Despite popular science fiction, shrink rays are not scientifically feasible.
In past attempts we actually received packets of information; radio waves, microwaves, radiation, and so on. We were able to determine that they were not of our universe as they had the same resonant frequency as the original particles. Our gate, however, has proven to be one way. We attempted to send packets through, It appears that they bounced back to us once they hit the event horizon.
We have tried to match the resonant variance of these particles. The physics of our reality make the attempts near impossible. Marylinn came up with the idea to wrap a packet in similar particles from our universe before attempting to send them through. This micro-wrap takes a lot of energy to maintain, and can be spotty. We are improving upon the equipment to maintain this micro-wrap. In past attempts the micro-wrap failed at the event horizon destroying the probes upon contact. This was the first attempt that the Micro-wrap appeared to not fail on contact.
The probe stopped transmitting however after it passed through the gate. We have attempted all we could think of to re-establish contact with the probe, but the micro-wrap equipment overheated. We are currently allowing it to cool down, IF MY INTERNS WOULD LISTEN TO ME! So we cannot claim a successful attempt until we either replicate our success or verify that it was a success. At least we are on the right path, I think.
… Static buzz…
I need to go… I have to go to fire interns. On to attempt 433
A Light Darkened
May 26, 1904
To Mr. Standpoor,
It has come to my attention that you intend to “renovate” the beloved Family oriented Lambotte Theater into a so called “Gentlemen’s Club”. I, sir, am just appalled that you would defile the holy ground with that… filth. I apologize for flying off the handle, however, you must know the vast history of the property that you now own. As the former owner, operator, and director of the Lambotte allow me to be your guide.
Come with me as we tour these hallowed halls haunted by the ghosts of characters that once possessed these willing forms. My great grandfather was one of the first settlers here in Sparta, Wisconsin. In 1854, two years after the opening of the post office, my great grandfather opened the doors for the first time to the Lambotte Theater. He fell in love with the stage growing up in New York. He loved theater so much that he decided to risk everything to open his own theater here of all places. He had a young family, but he still risked moving west and gambling on this love to bring the bright light of the stage here.
My grandfather was a child in those early days, his love for this light was instilled in him from the start. He watched as my great grandfather built these storied walls. He watched as the light from all of the stories took hold and filled these halls with the spirit of the stage. My grandfather found himself in charge in late 1864 when my great grandfather was lost in the civil war. War didn’t quelch the fire of these stories. Not even when one of our own, an actor, took the life of President Lincoln. My grandfather carried the torch here for twenty years. He produced some of the greatest shows Wisconsin has ever seen.
From Shakespeare to Knowles and Buwler-Lytton. From Gilbert and Sullivan to the works of Wilde and Shaw. We saw it all. I took over for my grandfather in 1884. My father felt that his birthright guardianship of the light was not, and I quote, “Manly enough”. Maybe it is fitting that my watch only ran twenty years as well. I did my best to summon the great spirits of these writers. However, theater never came easy to me. I fear my love of the stage was an unrequited one.
This building, for the past fifty years, has seen many aspiring acolytes of the stage. Our torch may not have been the brightest but we carried the light for many. Those that graced our stage left bits of their own lights in that hall. A bright shining story of the stage. I’d hate for that light to be snuffed out by the darkness of your “gentlemen’s club”.
Mr. Standpoor, I beg for you to reconsider your development plans. Do not darken this great light.
Thank you for listening to The Lost Letters. We hope you have enjoyed our presentation. If you enjoyed the show please review and subscribe on your favorite podcast platform. If you would like to join the conversation you may do so on Facebook, Instagram, and our website www.PatronSaintsOfPopCulture.org. You can also e-mail us at PatronSaintsOfPopCulture@gmail.com. Don’t forget, communication is key!